My Liberal Oscar Picks for 2013

Unfortunately, Lincoln won't win Best Picture this year because Hollywood can't bear the thought of Republicans looking great.

Even low-information liberals realize that the first Republican president, Abraham Lincoln, ended slavery. But if Steven Spielberg's film gets the top nod, then what's next for Hollywood? Films showing that their beloved Democrats were the party of Jim Crow, the KKK, slavery, and segregation?

So which film gets Best Picture?

Argo!

Argo is a great picture. I gripped my seat through the movie. I did not want to leave for a restroom break. But unfortunately for Hollywood, the flick about the six Americans escaping Iran makes the CIA look like the heroes they are. But the film also puts Hollywood in a heroic spotlight, and that's just too much to resist for the 6,000 uber-libs who vote the Oscar winners.

Each year, I make my "liberal Oscar picks" based on which films do their best to spit on America, Christianity, the military and conservatives. Films that are artsy, gay, feminine, socialist -- and above all, cater to narcissistic Hollywood -- are the ones that win.

My theory is the film must first be good and liberal politics decide the winners in the close races. The only exception to the first step, actually being a decent film, was Al Gore, who won two Oscars in 2007 for his science fiction feat of An Inconvenient Truth. That year, I saw his name on the ballot twice and, without doing any research, accurately picked him to win Best Documentary Feature and Best Original Score.

(And, for the record, I did beat more than a dozen liberal know-it-alls in 2007 using this exact theory. During our Oscar parties each year, we eat well and compete for the "sour grapes," a tacky 1970s centerpiece that goes to the winner with the most Oscar picks.) 

This year, it's also clear that Zero Dark Thirty won't win a single Oscar. According to Wall Street Journal, admitted communist sympathizer and 9/11 conspiracy nut Ed Asner is lobbying his liberal pals to reject a film that shows that waterboarding had led to the killing of Osama Bin Laden.

The envelopes please:

Best Picture: Argo.

Best Director: Steven Spielberg (it would take someone of his magnitude to put Republicans in a positive light in Hollywood).

Best Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis (I was spellbound).

Best Actress: Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Linings Playbook (Hollywood loves movies about the mentally disturbed).

Best Supporting Actor: Phillip Seymour Hoffman in The Master (a film so boring I wanted to walk out; this flick is an example of critics loving something the public hated, which means it will likely take the trophy).

Best Supporting Actress: Anne Hathaway in Les Miserables (I suffered through the film while my liberal wife and her liberal films just swooned).

Best Animated Feature Film: Brave.

Best Foreign Film: Armour.

Best Original Screenplay: Django Unchained (what could make a liberal happier than a movie showing a slave killing lots of whites?)

Best Adapted Screenplay: Argo.

Best Costume Design: Anna Karenina (Max chick flick. Liberals love this stuff).

Best Original Song: Skyfall

Best Original Score: Life of Pi.

Best Documentary: Searching for Sugar Man.

Best Documentary (short): Inocente.

Best Makeup and Hairstyling: Les Miserables.

Best Production Design: Anna Karenina (in a chick-flick upset over Les Miserables)

Best Film Editing: Argo (this category is usually paired with the Best Picture nod).

Best Cinematography: Life of Pi.

Best Sound Editing: Argo.

Best Sound Mixing: Les Miserables.

Best Visual Effects: Life of Pi.

Best Short Film Animated: Paperman.

Best Short Film Live Action: Buzkashi Boys (has Afghanistan in it and the Los Angeles Times gushed over the film during the Oscar voting earlier this month).